I’m a worst scenario kind of gal.
I wasn’t always this way. I used to be laid back, go with the flow, light hearted even. Having lead an easy, healthy, almost charmed life. What did I have to fear?
But, becoming a parent and subsequently having a sick child began to chip away at my resolve. It conditioned me to hold on to my fear. To keep it close. To question everything.
I became afraid to accept anything.
I had a miscarriage after years of trying to get pregnant. And once I became pregnant again, it was followed by a traumatic birth. Then shortly after that horrific experience, my baby began experiencing seizures.
He got sicker and sicker and they couldn’t find out what was wrong. I thought it was some sort of joke. How could this happen? We were good people. It just added another layer of fear over an already overwhelmed heart.
I was afraid to love him. Worried I would lose him. I became closed off. Blank. Empty. Terrified.I retreated within myself.
Once he got better, I was still afraid. Of everything. I was sure that while I was showering, he would have a seizure. Positive that if I left the house without him, my husband would call and tell me something awful had happened.
He became healthier, and my fear spread to other areas of my life.
I let the fear of what might happen impede my enjoyment of the now. I became unable to live in the moment and savor it, because of the fear of possibility. Disaster lurked around every corner.
I can feel my throat tighten and my heart start pounding at the thought of an outcome. Running a constant reel in my mind of what “might” happen.
This fear that grips me is seemingly ridiculous. Silly even. But, also overwhelmingly scary. I am anxious and afraid of enjoyment. I fear the worst.
Why do I do that to myself?
I have let worry become a sin in my life. And like any other sin, it takes root like a weed. If you water it, it will grow. The more I feed the seed of fear, that more it will overpower me and my life. It will overshadow everything. Choking out all of the good things.
And once it takes over mine, it will spill over in to my loved one’s lives.
But, God has an answer for that.
Phillipians 4:6(NIV) tells me-
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Right there. Plain as day. DO NOT BE ANXIOUS. About ANYTHING.
That includes when I’m in the car…when I am most always anticipating being run over by a semi or slammed into by someone looking at their cell phone.
That means when I’m at my son’s doctor appointments, expecting more bad news or mention of more surgeries. Holding my breath as the doctor checks him over. Anxiously jiggling my leg and wringing my fingers.
When I’m awaiting a submission or rejection email from a publication. Absolutely sure what I have to say isn’t good enough.
Matthew 6:27(NIV) reminds me-
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
This worry and anxiety will get me nowhere. By anticipating the worst I am not helping myself. I’m only hindering my future. I am in no way prolonging my existence by trying to control the outcome of each and every situation. No one is promised tomorrow.
Romans 8:38(NIV) eases my mind when it says-
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Why worry? Nothing will separate me from the love of my creator. Nothing.
Not that car. That bad news. That rejection.
There is no need for me to drive myself crazy. To cause myself anxiety. To feel the clench in my stomach. The pounding in my chest.
I only need to seek Him.
Psalm 112:6-8(NLT) is a gentle reminder-
Such people will not be overcome by evil. Those who are righteous will be long remembered. They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly.”
Because of Him, I need not be afraid. I need not be anxious. I need not fear bad news.
So, this is my pledge.
No more. I am done.
I will not be that person. I will not let improbabilities affect me.
I will no longer let the grip of anxiety overtake me. I will seek him, take a deep breath, and pray.
I’ll leave you with this- 2 Timothy 1:7(NIV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
No more fear.
Live for today. Seek and trust Him. Be confident and fearless. Face your foes head on. Be not afraid.